Boundaries, Consequences and Discipline

Counselling News

Friday, 27 August 2010 12:31

Boundaries, Consequences and Discipline

Since the benefits of enforcing boundaries are so significant, and can make such a meaningful difference to teens’ lives, it definitely appears to be an aspect well worth focusing on.  By providing our teens with stability, security, self-discipline, guidance, an ability to take responsibility for their actions, and a framework for behaviour and decision-making, we’re able to equip them with key life skills and a strong core – all of which will serve them well, and may prove invaluable throughout their lives.

Tips and suggestions:

• Ensuring  that both parents agree on the boundaries, consequences and the application of discipline. (This can be particularly tricky if there is conflict in the marriage, or if an acrimonious divorce scenario exists.)
• Agreeing on all the most important and non-negotiable rules, and enforcing them without wavering or changing them. Some issues are not worth clashing over, so it’s usually better to be uncompromising on the essential ones (such as aspects that could affect the teen’s safety or health), and to be more flexible on less important ones.
• Being consistent. Rules shouldn’t be applied erratically. If the rule is ‘no TV until all homework is finished’, then it needs to be applied every day, no matter how tired parents may be or how persistent teens may sound.
• Enforcing meaningful boundaries. It’s not a case of ‘rules for the sake of having rules’, so the reasons for the rules need to be valid. If not, they will only serve to frustrate and irritate the teens.
• Discussing the rules and getting input from the teenagers. As teens grow up, they don’t like being treated like small children; their input becomes increasingly relevant, and they’re more likely to comply with the rules they’ve been involved in drawing up.
• Taking the child’s personality into consideration when defining the rules. What may work for a quiet, shy individual may not necessarily work for a boisterous and spirited one.
• Remaining firm and positive. Whereas some parents might err on the side of not enforcing boundaries, some others might fall into the category of ‘over-strict’, ‘unreasonable’ or ‘dictatorial tyrant’. Very subjective and hard to define exactly, as ‘too strict’ for some might be ‘too lenient’ for others, but if uncertainty prevails about proposed rules, it’s worth checking them out with respected parents and experts.
• Being a good role model.  Some rules, particularly where values are concerned, are harder to enforce if parents don’t ‘walk the talk’ themselves.                                   

From “Life Talk for Parents” by Izabella Little and Thomas Burkhalter.

Parents, please remember that you are always welcome to contact one of our counsellors (Mrs Schoeman or Mrs Friedenthal) if you need to discuss parenting issues.